Words Make Worlds: Language and the Culture of Mental Health in the Workplace

Republished with Permission from Insurance Thought Leadership
By Donna Hardaker and Sally Spencer-Thomas

Part I: The Science and Social Movement

"commit suicide" - "successful suicide" - "the mentally ill" - "suffering from a mental illness"

Photo by Benjamin Child

These phrases rattle off the tongue--yet we, as social justice advocates, find that they rattle our souls as people continue to use them in well-meaning workplace education programs and community discussions. Let us explain...

In 1984, George Orwell said, "If thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought." The phrases above are commonly used inside and outside the mental health sector, and because of this common usage, they are accepted. We suggest that they corrupt the mindful thinking of those who speak them and those who hear them. We would like to change this.

What if being more mindful of our language could release new ways of thinking that eventually open up new opportunities for creative ideas, thoughtful approaches, and ultimately true social inclusion? What if we make a conscious effort to find words that more accurately reflect the experience of mental health conditions and suicide--would we be better able to have empathy, support, and inclusion in our workplaces and communities through the use of more skillful language? We argue: Yes.

Neurolinguistics tell us that the words we use as we speak inform the way our brains store and process information about whatever it is we are talking about. Words carry current meaning and history of meaning. Many words are associated with inaccurate and unfair messages that serve the perpetuate misunderstanding and prejudice. The labels applied to people who have mental health challenges by clinicians create assumptions, expectations, and interpretations that can set misperceived limits on how much growth and performance is possible, while also creating the means for social exclusion. We believe that this process is often unconscious and has an insidious effect on our collective thoughts and feelings, especially regarding marginalized groups, like people who live with suicidal experiences and mental health conditions.

We are hardwired to remember problems, especially when we perceive these problems to be dangerous. So using language that is negative, connotates difference, and insinuates a threat tends to be very "sticky." To undo this, we need to spend extra effort to build a vocabulary that is life-affirming, dignified, and inclusive. Paying attention to our language as we talk about mental health and suicide while constantly and intentionally working toward improving our language will help create a workplace culture of compassion, vitality and engagement.

Stigma reduction campaigns and workplace mental health trainings that do not pay careful attention to language are limiting their impact, and may be the reason why, even after the many years of stigma reduction campaigns, we are not much further ahead in terms of reducing stigma in the workplace.

Language is the most powerful tool in our understanding of each other. In any social movement, language must be addressed. How we speak about people informs us about them, so when we speak unconsciously, without attention to bias and misperception, we are perpetuating social prejudice and its damaging impact. By changing our language, we alter our perceptions and attitudes; this is social justice.

Part II: The Words--in the sequel to this blog we explore the history, impact and alternatives to specific words used when talking about suicide and mental health.

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SALLY SPENCER-THOMAS: As a clinical psychologist, mental health advocate, faculty member, and survivor of her brother's suicide, Dr. Sally Spencer-Thomas sees the issues of suicide prevention from many perspectives. Currently, she holds leadership positions for the Carson J Spencer Foundation, the National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention, and the American Association for Suicidology.

DONNA HARDAKER: Donna is an internationally recognized industry expert in the emerging field of workplace mental health. She is an award-winning curriculum developer, advocate, public speaker, writer and advisor, who has leveraged her personal experience of mental health challenges and their impact on her employment history into a significant body of work. She is the Director of Wellness Works, a workplace mental health training program of Mental Health America of California that has been evaluated as highly effective in stigma reduction with lasting behavior and culture change. Donna is from Toronto, Canada, but now lives in Sacramento, where she greatly enjoys the California sunshine.

9 Tips For Better Sleep Hygiene

By Emily Alvarez

Photo by Flickr user Justine

Sleep is as important to our health as breathing, eating or drinking. It helps our body repair itself and our brains to associate our memories and process information. Poor sleep is linked to physical problems such as a weakened immune system and mental health problems like anxiety and depression. Also, if you're sleep deprived and tired, your brain has a harder time absorbing new information.

Besides, you're not "you" when you don't get enough sleep. And no one likes a grumpy and cranky person.

Getting good sleep is important to maintaining health. Sleep hygiene is the practices and habits people use to help them sleep well on a regular basis.


Here are 9 things you can do to promote good sleep:

1. Go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time (+/- 20 minutes). Having a consistent schedule will keep your body regulated.

2. Exercise regularly. Exercise promotes continuous sleep, but don't exercise less than three hours before bedtime.

3. Have a quiet, comfortable bedroom. Set your thermostat to a comfortable temperature. Turn off the TV and any other inessential noises. If your pets bug you during the night, leave them outside the bedroom. Keep your bedroom dark. Have a comfortable mattress.

4. Have a comfortable pre-bedtime routine. Take a warm bath or shower. Make time to meditate or just have quiet time.

5. Try to avoid naps. Every person needs a certain amount of sleep per 24-hour period. Naps take away the time you need the next night, which can in turn cause difficulty falling asleep or insomnia.

6. Don't read or watch TV in bed. The bed is reserved for two things: sleep and sex. Doing anything in bed other than those will make your brain associate your bed with wakefulness.

7. Avoid stimulants like coffee, nicotine, or alcohol. These things can disrupt your body's rhythm and disrupt your sleep.

8. Don't stay awake for more than 5-10 minutes. Only go to bed when you are actually tired. Get out of bed if you're unable to fall asleep.

9. Don't eat too much before going to bed. Food can be disruptive right before sleep. But don't go to bed hungry, either. If you're hungry, eat a light, healthy snack.


As you can see, there are plenty of things you can do to get a good night's sleep. Not only will your body thank you, but your brain will too.

For more information and tips on sleep hygiene, read this handout.

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Mrs. Alvarez graduated from San Jose State University with a degree in Public Relations and is now leading communication efforts at the Carson J Spencer Foundation. She coordinates all social media initiatives for this Denver-based nonprofit known for innovation in suicide prevention. In addition, she facilitates the outreach efforts to local and national media by creating and distributing press releases, blogs, and youtube videos. She has a passion for the mental health movement because her family has a history of mental health issues, and she had a  friend die by suicide when in high school. In 2009, she earned the highest award -- The Gold Award -- from the Girl Scouts and was in an honors fraternity in college.

Stephanie Crookston: My Journey to Find Meaning After My Friend/Roommate's Suicide

By Emily Alvarez

Stories of lived experience can be used to fight the stigma of mental illness and suicide and to help get people involved in the movement. These journeys humanize the suicide prevention movement and help other people seek help. This series on lived experience is a great chance to highlight a loss survivor's story and the search for meaning after loss.

Stephanie Crooskton has been a part of our organization for a while now, whether she volunteers in our office, at our gala, or works as a FIRE Within Educator for us. She lost a friend and roommate two years ago and has been making meaning out of the loss ever since. There is a wrestling event this weekend in memory of Jack, so we wanted to share Stephanie's story of finding meaning through loss. This is her story:

Jack had this wonderful gift, of walking into the room and being the light that everyone was drawn to. To say he was "larger than life" is an understatement. Jack lived and breathed to the beat of his own drummer and very seldom conformed to the societal norms that are so often pushed on all of us. One of the things that I admired so much about Jack was that he followed his dreams and he was persistent in them. He loved wresting and his dream was to be a wrestler in the WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment). One of the first times I ever met Jack, was at a wrestling show in Loveland. My husband, Logan, has known Jack since kindergarten and this wrestling match was one of Logan and my first dates--and I will never forget it. Jack has such an intense presence on the stage and I was immediately impressed with the person he was both on and off stage from the get go. In the four years that followed, I would get to know Jack in the fashion I will forever remember him as--a wonderful person.

It felt like Jack's death rocked the foundation on which all of us stood. For so many of his friends and family, the shock of his death was unreal and hard to swallow. The outpouring of love and support for Jack in his time leading up to his death is a testament to how important he was to all of us in his life. Jack was a friend long before his death and he continues to be honored every day by those he impacted, inspired, and those who are continuing to pursue their dreams, in spite of perceived expectations and barriers.

I personally honor his memory by working with and volunteering at the Carson J Spencer Foundation to teach others about suicide prevention. I have taken training courses, been appointed to Chair of the Suicide Prevention Task Group at the Mental Health Center of Denver, became a FIRE Within Educator, QPR and Working Minds Trainer, among many other things. I have helped bring suicide awareness into many facets of my personal and professional life. I learned the signs of suicide and how to talk to someone about suicide. I made it my mission to save at least one person. I know I have saved more than one life because of what I have learned in the past two years since his death. The road has not been easy because suicide is not an easy topic to broach. I have felt defeated and burnt out. I have wanted to give up. 

Then I think of Jack and how we he was in life and how he never gave up on his dream to be a wrestler. He was doing something, despite the set backs and the "No's." So I wake up every morning and think to myself, I will honor Jack's life by doing more with mine.

For me, I found it almost impossible to get past the guilt I felt. The self-loathing grew and grew in forms of he was living with you, how could you miss the signs? and you are a mental health professional, why/how could you not see it? and you should have looked at your phone sooner and you would read the text message and maybe he could have been saved. I woke up in the days and months after his death believing with 100% certainty that I had failed him. I told others that were close to him we're not at fault, Jack had made his choice, and that he knew you loved him, and a whole host of other things. I believed what I told these individuals because I shouldered all of the blame in my mind. As unrealistic and foolish as it sounds to people, that is exactly how I felt. My husband and I had taken him into our home, helped him find a job, spent time with him watching Wrestle Mania DVDs, and told him he had our love and support, but to me all of that wasn't enough. It did not matter to me what we had done. I had failed him. I had let him down. I had not been good enough for him.

It was amazing the response I got from others that I had shared my struggles with. It is true that I didn't know him as well and as long as so many others and I struggled with that thought all the time! When I wasn't thinking about how much of a better friend I could have been, I spent other times thinking that I did not know him for that long, I should have been able to stay objective and should have been in a position to help him more! I got trapped in thoughts that seemed endless, always finding a reason to hate myself more and more as the days went by.

I felt like he was around all the time after his death. Cabinets would randomly close. Loud creaks in the floor above our heads. The feeling of someone looking over your shoulder. The brief moment of a figure in your peripheral. I saw Jack or felt Jack's presence everywhere I went.

One of the first things that brought me comfort were people I never met who were good friends of Jack's. On the night Jack posted his note on Facebook, his friends rallied together and tried to find him. The amount of love that came out of something so horrific has always helped me with the grieving process. While the outcome was not what anyone wanted, it was a testament to how far people are willing to go for the people they love in this world. Especially for those who are effected by suicide or thoughts of suicide. The things friends and family have done since that moment to honor Jack's life, continue to be inspiring and moving. 

My family was supportive. Just allowing me to talk and help me grieve as they sat with me. My husband, Logan, gave me a lot of support. He listened when I cried, he validated my fears, and he never faltered in his own grief to help me with working through mine. I remember him looking up at me and saying Stephanie, you can't change what happened to Jack. While he had said that numerous times before, that last time it clicked. I needed to make sense of this tragic situation. I had to figure it out. I went back to work, greeted by love and support. Coworkers would sit in my office and let me just cry. They let me talk about it. Talking about it helped a lot, it took me a long time to not cry when I talked about it. 

Sometimes, even now, I can't hold back the tears. I miss him.

It was not until I picked up a booked called Why People Die by Suicide by Thomas Joiner, that I was able to start putting things into perspective. The book helped me make sense of some of the things I was going through. It helped me gain acceptance of my reality and live with this new normal. Around the time of Jack's death, Kevin Briggs had a TED talk about the Golden Gate Bridge and how he saved lives. This talk helped me to learn about other people's journeys and partially inspired me to work with a local a nonprofit--the Carson J Spencer Foundation. I learned so much about suicide prevention and continue to grow in my knowledge and understanding suicide through Carson J Spencer Foundation. Since those moments, I have dedicated as much of my available time spreading awareness for suicide prevention.

The thought of Jack still brings tears to my eyes, when I talk about him with other people I cry, and I still have a hard time watching WWE clips as they so often remind me of him. But more often than not, I am able to embrace that grief and use it to impact a life. Working with the Carson J Spencer Foundation has given my life meaning and purpose on a level I never anticipated. Talking about suicide, asking the hard questions, and supporting those in times of crisis has made me a better person. It has helped me be more aware of those around me and their potential struggles which has increased my understanding and patience. It astounds me how many people have been touched by suicide and how so many of us (myself included) do not know what to do, or how to ask those questions. I chose to make meaning of my life this way because of the strangers I met and connected with in the years after Jack's death. The stories of resilience that flooded into my world and touched me on such a profound level changed the meaning of my grief from guilt and sadness to purpose and motivation.

I hope Jack is proud of all the work I have done. I hope he has heard my speaking to professionals about how suicide prevention matters. I think Jack would be most proud of the fact that I have not given up on suicide prevention. Suicide prevention does not seem like something that people can get excited about. It is scary, uncertain, and tragic when it happens. But, when I think of suicide and I think of Jack, I more often than not think of hope, too. Hope changes the game in suicide--heck pretty much anything. Hope creates a future. A future for a stranger, a future for a friend, a legacy.

That's what I hope I have done and that's what Jack's most proud of, creating a legacy for hope even when the story starts in tragedy.

Suicide leaves so many questions and it is hard to make sense of. Not many people know what to do, what to say, what NOT to say, and most of all they will have no idea how to help. I had to ask people to just listen because talking about it would help me as long as I could just say what I needed to say and not be met by advice or common methods of encouragement like God has a plan and everything happens for a reason. That was sometimes comforting but not always. 

Later on down the road, you might find yourself thinking of them at the oddest times and you will have a physical and emotional reaction to it, whatever it may be. And that's normal. Grief is not something you can put on a timer and you will be all better in the next 6 months. This is tough stuff to deal with and if you are struggling, do not suffer in silence or alone. There are resources to help you whether it be a book, counseling, friends, and/or family.

 You are loved and you matter. Do not give up on your own hope. Whatever that hope is, never stop hoping for happiness, for acceptance, to see them again, to make them proud, to change the world, to save a life.

Don't give up on hope.

 The effects of a suicide loss are long-lasting and far-reaching. Many survivors look for ways to make meaning out of their loss and celebrate the life of their loved one. There are many wonderful organizations that provide life-saving suicide prevention programming. The Carson J Spencer Foundation elevated the conversation to make suicide prevention a health and safety priority. Through a variety of prevention programs, Carson J Spencer Foundation is changing the face of suicide loss. Whether you partner with our organization, or another, we encourage you to get involved. Giving a gift, in memory of a loved one lost, can help create the meaning that so many seek. For more information,please visit www.carsonjspencer.org.

Jack Zaler was one of the most popular pro-wrestlers in Colorado. He traveled the country, and was seen on WWE at one point in his career. His death in January of 2014 was a shock to his friends and fans, and left a hole that could never be filled by anyone else. Its a story I'm sure you've heard many times: that he was always smiling and doing everything he could to make everyone laugh, so very few people knew about his battle with depression.

Primos Pro-Wrestling is hosting a memorial event, honoring the life of pro-wrestler, Jack Zaler. The memorial show will be held on Sunday, March 13th at 7:00 pm at the Watering Bowl, located at 5411 Leetsdale Drive. The purpose of the event is to celebrate the life of a man who was loved by many, including former WWE start Matt Sydal (who is working pro-bono in memory of his friend). It is equally important for this event to raise awareness of depression in the wrestling world, hopefully leading both performers and fans to recognize the signs of depression, and to know it is okay to seek treatment. Doors open at 6:30 pm, the event starts at 7:00 pm. Tickets are $10 and are sold at the door.

Attorney Leadership Roundtable on Suicide Prevention

On January 21, 2016, a group of over sixty judges and lawyers from the Colorado legal community convened at the Colorado Supreme Court to begin discussions around the topic of suicide within the profession, including Chief Justice Nancy Rice, former Chief Justice Michael Bender, CBA President Loren Brown and Jim Coyle, Attorney Regulation Counsel in addition to numerous judges and lawyers from around the state. Moderated by Barbara Ezyk, Executive Director of the Colorado Lawyer Assistance Program, these leaders were called to action to break down the walls of stigma and address this very real problem in Colorado.

Planning committee partners from Ireland Stapleton, Colorado Lawyer Assistance Program, Colorado Lawyers Helping Lawyers, and the Carson J Spencer Foundation developed this forum with the goal to help attorneys in Colorado elevate the conversation and make suicide prevention a health and safety priority. Leaders within legal community are uniquely poised to lead the charge by opening the dialogue, combating stigma with stories of hope and recovery, and implementing sweeping changes to support not only the legal professionals but also the clients they serve.

After hearing personal and professional experiences with mental health conditions and suicide, the group was led by Dr. Sally Spencer-Thomas through strategies to support comprehensive suicide prevention within the legal community, ranging from "upstream" mental health promotion, "midstream" early and effective intervention, and "downstream" crisis intervention and grief support after a suicide death.

Attendees then broke into smaller groups to discuss in-depth ideas for change and to identify first steps on the journey to turning the tides against suicide within the legal profession in Colorado.

Longer-term recommendations from the groups included:

Upstream

• Educational and communication programs that develop awareness about mental health and suicide in law school and provide resources and reassurance to young lawyers
• Leadership can take an active role to (including Regulation Counsel) send the message about and model self-care and promote use of mental health resources, "here to help, not just discipline"
• Mentoring program
• Incentivized mental health wellness practices

Midstream

• Develop a bench book on how to identify problems among colleagues and specific intervention skills for lawyers needing professional care.
• Skill training specifically designed to help lawyers have critical conversations with peers about mental health, substance abuse, and suicide (CLE).
• Policy development on when and how to report concerns
• Health and wellness campaigns that include screening for depression
• Stronger connection between Bar Associations and full spectrum of mental health resources

Downstream

• Specific crisis response practices for firms dealing with the aftermath of a suicide or suicide attempt
• Promotion of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Immediate call to action:

1. To establish a committee to design a statewide comprehensive and sustained strategy for suicide prevention for the attorney profession.
2. To build capacity through on-going skill development training and consultation for larger firms and bar associations.
3. To continue to develop statewide communication tactics promoting resources and awareness.

For more information contact:

• Barbara Ezyk: (303) 986-3345; bezyk@coloradolap.org
• Sally Spencer-Thomas: (720) 244-6535; sally@carsonjspencer.org

The Carson J Spencer Foundation Seed Funds Youth Entrepreneurs Working to Prevent Teen Suicide

By Emily Alvarez & Ginna Jones

Student Business Plan Competition Winners Announced

Morning Session Winners

Jacqueline Novogratz, founder of Acumen Fund, said, “My dream is to find individuals who take financial resources and convert them into changing the world in the most positive ways.” 

On Tuesday, February 16^th high school entrepreneurs from across Colorado met at Johns Manville, A Berkshire Hathaway Company, to compete for seed funding in the 8^th annual FIRE Within Business Plan Competition.

The FIRE Within empowers youth to build and launch revenue generating businesses that help prevent suicide in their communities. Students learn to identify primary causes of peer distress such as bullying or the pressure to succeed. They create innovative marketing campaigns and develop products or services that impact those issues in positive ways. FIRE Within students become empathic leaders who can talk about tough topics and make their school culture healthier, happier, and more resilient. The business and life skills they develop will help them succeed in college, career, and their personal lives.

 “I continue to be impressed by these students! They demonstrated a desire to understand issues related to causes of suicide and how significantly their communities are impacted by suicide,” said Peter Bernstein, Senior Private Client Advisor, VP, at Bank of the West. “They took the next steps by providing a tangible and profitable business model which was designed to inform, encourage, and ignite.”

During the competition students pitch their business plans to a panel of judges, including business, mental health, and educational leaders. Representing two divisions, 1^st place awards went to Westminster and Columbine High Schools, 2^nd place went to Highlands Ranch and Prairie View High Schools, and Green Mountain High School and HOPE @ Alpha Learning Academy took home 3^rd place.

Afternoon Session Winners

Westminster High School students discovered that their peers struggled to balance stressors from school and home so they built Tees 4 Teens, a business that sells customizable shirts with inspirational messages. The shirts are part of a campaign to build positive coping skills and social awareness about local suicide prevention resources. Columbine High School students identified feelings of isolation and loneliness as primary causes of distress among their peers. In response, they launched Rebel’s Rally, which sells tumbler style water bottles that come with two friendship style bracelets and information on local mental health resources. Buyers keep one bracelet and give the other to someone who may be feeling alone, strengthening their school environment and making students feel more connected.

“The students’ teamwork and dedication toward their businesses really impressed me,” said Gina Olberding, Population Health Management Specialist at Pinnacol Assurance. “Their grasp of the underlying reasons for suicide thoughts was obvious, and they used that insight to engage their peers in innovative ways.”

For more information about how your community can get involved with the FIRE Within contact Ginna Jones Ginna@CarsonJSpencer.org or visit www.CarsonJSpencer.org.

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About the Carson J Spencer Foundation - Sustaining a Passion for Living

The Carson J Spencer Foundation (www.CarsonJSpencer.org) is a Colorado nonprofit, established in 2005.  We envision a world where leaders and communities are committed to sustaining a passion for living. We sustain a passion for living by:

• Delivering innovative and effective suicide prevention programs for working-aged people
• Empowering youth entrepreneurs to prevent suicide
• Supporting people bereaved by suicide

The Carson J Spencer Foundation is the proud 2013 recipient of the “Small Nonprofit of the Year” award from the Denver Metro Chamber of Commerce.

You’ve never seen your own face. It takes a mirror to get a clean shave.

By Mike Valentine, On Purpose Now

Photo by Alejandro Muñiz Delgado

Men can be by nature a “do it yourselfer”.  When it comes to problems we face in life there is often the question of “why can’t I just fix this myself”? The truth is we can. 

Many conventional methods of support for men actually turn men off.  There is an underlying and unspoken assumption we can’t solve things our self.  This undermines a man’s very nature as a producer, provider, and creator of life. 

Every man has a Gift to give, a Purpose to live and a Vision he’d build of a better self and world.  If he is told he is broken and can only be fixed by some other person, how can he find his Creative Self - build his confidence and fulfill his mission?  He can’t.  Rather, he starts to invest his faith in neediness and becomes repulsed of what he believes he has become.  Looking outside for what can only be found within is fools game.   Any sensible man knows you can’t get eggs at a dairy farm.  What he learns of himself looking for power, where there is none, is that he is foolish.  “Support” that teaches a man he is irrevocably needy disempowers him.  Most men know this deep in their hearts.

As a Life Purpose guide, I am often asked, “who needs a life coach”?  The truth is no one needs one.  What a man needs is inside him.  Your Purpose, if you aspire and commit to living it, will lead you to it, reveal itself to you, and direct you to the resources to make it happen.  It is already there, right under your nose.  If you have a good woman she is probably screaming at you “LOOK – IT IS RIGHT THERE!”

This is where it can get tricky.  Think about this for just a moment.  You have never seen your own face directly.  In order to see your face you have to use a mirror.  For most men their Gift, Purpose and Vision are a lot like this.  We’ve spent so much attention trying to measure up (for our dad, women, or other men) we can’t see our inherent nature as a creative resource for life.  Much like a fish doesn’t know and can’t see what water is, most men can’t see their real strength and power without a mirror or having someone help them look from outside the water.

As men, our interest is in the shortest path from point A to B.  If told we are broken and can’t make it, we will go it alone even if it means we have no back-up or support.  On the other hand, if we are shown a way to move with clarity, power and speed, we are eager to harness any measure of support, even if help is needed facing personal or emotional challenges.  We need only see how asking for help will lead us to the true strength inside and help us succeed in our purpose.  It is important to discern if help enables our neediness or empowers our true self.  When it empowers us from the inside out it leads us to our strength and helps us to live and express as the real men we are.

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About the Author. Mike Valentine is Life Purpose Guide and pioneer of discovering and living On Purpose Now. Amidst dark shadows of life defining challenges, Mike Valentine activates the transformative power of Purpose to produce real results. With a strong backbone, kind heart, and direct approach, he has professionally coached people from all walks of life.  He has invested over 20,000 hours developing leaders, and scaled the ladder in three industries. His experience as an entrepreneur and corporate executive balance his training as a leader. In his own journey, Mike has 25 years of studying and practicing disciplines East and West, integrating physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual practices to pioneer his unique role as a Life Purpose Guide.  He loves to work with a direct approach and personal touch.  To schedule a Life Purpose consultation, call or email him directly at Mike@OnPurposeNow.com 303 842 6020. You can also visit OnPurposeNow.com to learn more.

Cal Beyer: My Journey to Find Meaning After My Friend/Coworker's Suicide

By Emily Alvarez

Stories of lived experience can be used to fight the stigma of mental illness and suicide and to help get people involved in the movement. These journeys humanize the suicide prevention movement and help other people seek help. This series on lived experience is a great chance to highlight a loss survivor's story and the search for meaning after loss.

Cal Beyer is a friend of our CEO Sally Spencer-Thomas, as well as a friend to our organization. He lost a coworker last February and has been making meaning out of the loss ever since. As it is nearing the anniversary of his coworker's death, we wanted to share Cal's story of finding meaning through loss.

This is his story:

I lost a dear friend to suicide on February 23, 2015. His name was Jeff. He died at age 51. He left a wife and 3 grown adult children. He also left a family of loving folks and an army of friends who were all confused that Jeff had taken his life. Many of us knew that he was prone to periods of solitude and sadness. None of us understood he teetered on the brink of darkness and despair for so long.

I hired Jeff while working for a startup company. We worked together for approximately 7 years. We became great work friends and then personal friends. 

Jeff was a very large man standing 6”4”. Jeff was a “gentle giant”. His best qualities included a sense of humor that allowed him to have numerous nicknames that ranged from “Tiny” to “Big Dawg”. Jeff loved fishing. He was hooked on fishing. Fishing was probably his reason for living. It was his being. Fishing made Jeff come alive. Jeff loved sharing the gift of fishing with others.

Jeff was loyal and dependable. He was an exceptional teammate. He was the teammate that would do anything to help another be successful in their projects. He was smart and resourceful in a methodical way.

Jeff touched me early on by thanking me for appreciating him as a person and as a co-worker.

We quickly developed an effective working relationship that grew into a personal friendship. He is one of the men in my life I opened up the most to. Although I do not fish, and only did once with Jeff, we shared a deep friendship based on unconditional love. He accepted me and he never judged me. His love of my wife and children was touching as well. I knew if we ever needed “Big Dawg” he would be there regardless of the circumstance.

My kids loved Jeff because he took an active interest in them. He would always affirm the importance of me in their lives by saying things to them that showed Dad was talking about them at work and to his friends. These little affirmations showed me we were genuine friends early on.

We enjoyed playing practical jokes on others in the office. Some of these jokes were sophomoric (“fart machine” hidden in the office of our favorite target that had a remote control push button) and some were very sophisticated covert operations that took days to plan and execute (making a mini golf course in someone’s office complete with sand trap and water holes and oversized plastic kiddy golf clubs). These experiences would bring out the inner-child in Jeff and me. It made us laugh for hours and we’d reminisce about them for years after.

Jeff made me laugh more than any other man in my middle years. 

When he died, my own mourning was delayed as I first tried to be a calming influence on his family and then our former co-workers. I tried to build a bridge between Jeff’s family and our former co-workers. This is how I’m wired. I go into crisis mode and help others first and then deal with the issue over time and by myself.

I felt guilt initially. What if I hadn’t left the employment of the start-up and what if I had remained as his manager? Would I have seen this coming? Is there something more I could do? The fact is that I left in 2010 and Jeff and I remained in touch. Although I moved out of state we’d try to get together whenever I was in town.

The family’s openness at the funeral in discussing suicide and Jeff’s lifelong battle with mental health issues was a healthy catharsis. It allowed me and my family to process our grief without secrets. It allowed us to acknowledge how hard Jeff’s life must have been. It was helpful for me to know that Jeff was meeting with his Pastor on a weekly basis. 

When one of Jeff’s daughters read portions of my tribute of her father at the service it gave me a sense of closure that not everyone had. It was important to me that his family truly understood his importance in my life.

I loved Jeff and I know he knew it.

I honor Jeff by doing what I do best and that is being an industry thought leader. I have expanded my efforts in promoting mental health and suicide prevention. I write and speak about suicide prevention in his honor. I honor Jeff by praying for his family and staying in touch with them. I keep them informed of major activities and successes. I honor Jeff by reminiscing with others about the friendship we shared. I share the funny memories I have. I remember his smile and laughter. I whisper his name when I see people enjoying fishing. I get teary-eyed when I eat walleye which was his favorite fish.

Before Jeff’s death I was partnering with Sally Spencer-Thomas. I served with her since 2010 as inaugural members of the Workplace Task Force for the National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention. In 2014 Sally invited me to return to the Workplace Task Force and lead an initiative for the Construction Industry on mental health and suicide prevention. When Sally invited me to join others at the White House to present on this topic at the “Dialogue on Men’s Health” in January 2016, I realized that I was truly making a difference. The nomination and subsequent appointment to serve on the Executive Committee for the National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention has further empowered me. This is an opportunity to speak from a larger platform to more broadly amplify the need for funding, recruit helpers and build partnerships on mental health and suicide prevention.

Jeff’s widow Jane has been remarkably graceful in sharing with me how proud Jeff would be of my efforts to help promote the cause of mental health and suicide prevention in the construction industry. She tells me that Jeff is proud of my fight for the underdogs and for bringing understanding to this cause.

For anyone impacted by suicide, I encourage them to grasp for hope. Rely on faith to find firm footing. Seek understanding and avoid judging and blaming. Accept reality. Forgive yourself for any spoken or unspoken words. Reflect on positive experiences and memories. Pay tribute to your relationship. Remember and honor their memory. Share openly and often with others. Stay connected with people and do not isolate. Uncork your emotions: let tears flow freely and frequently.

The effects of a suicide loss are long-lasting and far-reaching. Many survivors look for ways to make meaning out of their loss and celebrate the life of their loved one. There are many wonderful organizations that provide life-saving suicide prevention programming. The Carson J Spencer Foundation elevates the conversation to make suicide prevention a health and safety priority. Through a variety of prevention programs, Carson J Spencer Foundation is changing the face of suicide loss. Whether you partner with our organization or another, we encourage you to get involved. Giving a gift, in memory of a loved one lost, can help create the meaning that so many seek. For more information, please visit www.carsonjspencer.org.