Trigger Warning: Means Restriction, Suicide, and Gun Safety

By Thomas Wallingford and Jess Stohlmann-Rainey

In the United States, more than 60% of people who die from guns die by suicide (Center for Disease Control).

In Colorado, more than three-quarters of all firearm deaths during 2005-2012 were suicides. Of those suicide deaths by firearm, most are among males (84%) and the white, non-Hispanic racial/ethnic group (88%) (Colorado Department of Public Health & Environment).

For youth under the age of 20 years killed by firearms in Colorado, almost 50% were suicides and 41% were homicides (Colorado Department of Public Health & Environment).

Proponents of gun safety have developed a list called the 10 Commandments of Gun Safety, which include guidelines like, "always point the muzzle in a safe direction" and "don't mix alcohol or drugs with shooting." Because of the connection between firearms and suicide, prevention advocates have worked with gun safety proponents to suggest an 11th commandment, "Consider off-site storage if a family member may be suicidal."

There are obvious benefits to adding this commandment, but putting it into actual practice can present some challenges. For gun owners in distress, finding a way to store firearms with someone else requires a difficult conversation about their mental health for which they may not be prepared. For support people, asking a loved one who is struggling to give up their weapons can be intimidating.

Thomas Wallingford lives with schizoaffective disorder, which causes him to experience intermittent suicidal intensity. Thomas and Jess Stohlmann-Rainey have been close friends since college and use each other for peer support as people who live with mental health conditions. In order to demonstrate how this commandment can be put into practice, we would like to share our personal accounts of means restrictions.

Jess:

Jess and Thomas

I remember the first time I asked someone about their suicidal thoughts with pretty vivid intensity. I worked on a sexual assault advocacy hotline, and was on the phone with a client who was really struggling. My palms got so sweaty I was afraid I would drop the phone. Because most of my jobs have required that I talk about and ask people about suicidal intensity pretty regularly, I have gotten a lot more comfortable with asking the question. Asking Thomas to let me hold onto his firearms while he was in crisis was an easy decision the first time, but caused me the same level of anxiety. I called another friend to practice what I was going to say. Fortunately, because Thomas and I talk about our mental health all the time, any weirdness that might have happened in a new mental health discussion was out of the way. I remember saying "I have to ask you this because I love you and because I would never forgive myself if I didn't...would it be okay if I hold onto your guns for a little while?" 

When Thomas agreed, we ended up making jokes about the whole situation because it seems so surreal. It is entirely possible that I am more uncomfortable with guns than anyone else in the world. Thomas gave me this duffel bag full of firearms, and we cracked some jokes about how weirdly I was holding the bag (it was pretty weird). I continued being extraordinarily awkward riding in the elevator up to my apartment, feeling certain that everyone in there knew I was holding a bag of guns and was freaking out. They didn't, and I got them safely into a secure area in my home without scaring anyone but myself.

The entire time I had firearms in my home, I was acutely aware of their presence. As much as I wanted them out of my home, I was nervous that Thomas would ask me to return them before it seemed like it was safe. I believe really strongly that people living with mental health conditions should have the same rights as people who don't, so if Thomas was adamant about me returning his firearms, I would have a really difficult time refusing. I decided that I would ask him to make another safety plan if that happened.

Thomas ended up leaving his firearms with me for several months, until his mental health was significantly improved. When he wanted his firearms returned, he spent a lot of time explaining why he felt well enough to have them again. Returning them was relieving both because I didn't have them in my home anymore, and because Thomas was in such a better place with his mental health. He explained his safety plans and his current mental state, and made me feel confident that his suicidal intensity had dissipated.

After the first experience, the whole process has become much simpler. Thomas has since asked me to hold onto his guns, and I have asked him. The conversation is short and can even happen over a text message - "hey, can you hold onto my guns while I do a treatment program?" or "it sounds like you are thinking about suicide again, can I hold onto your guns?" I am still incredibly awkward about guns in general, but asking about means restriction feels pretty easy now.  

Thomas:

Thomas with one of his guns

Handing guns off to your support person is somewhat distressing. You're constantly second guessing yourself, wondering "Am I really at this point? Shouldn't I be well enough to keep them?" For some gun owners, particularly those concerned with home security, I'm sure it would be an added challenge, weighing the possible dangers from outside with the possible dangers from within. After the initial shock wears off, and you're considering your decision from a more distant vantage point, it's apparent that what you've done is the most rational decision regarding your safety.

Realizing when you've hit the point where you need to reach out to your support system is very tricky. There's no black and white to it, no hard line; it's a huge gradient.

How I know to reach out to my friends is when I'm ruminating on suicide more often than not. Specifically, it's when my ruminations on suicide go from conceptual thoughts to considering it as an option. To ensure I take the preventative step of giving my guns to my support people, I don't wait until I consider it as my only option; once it becomes any option it's time for me to take my guns elsewhere. It's better to be too early than too late.

Asking someone to take your guns is a multi-step process that begins before any suicidal thoughts occur. Talk to a friend, or a few friends, that can offer safety and support and tell them about your personal concerns regarding suicidal thoughts or behaviors. Ask them if they are okay with you relying on them if you begin feeling suicidal.

Actually asking someone to take your guns is difficult. It's the same feeling as having someone come over to take your guns. You ask yourself, "Am I really at this point?" you might stigmatize yourself, asking if you're really that "crazy," and you may even feel childish, like you can't take care of yourself. The fact that an individual struggles with suicidal thoughts from time to time says nothing about how capable they are as a person. Suicidal thoughts are an unfortunate part of a chronic mental health condition for me, but prevention is a necessary step in managing it.

Just like giving them up, there's no hard and fast rule about when to ask for them back. For me, it's when I've had no intrusive thoughts or ruminations about suicide for over a week, maybe two. Having one good day isn't enough to know that I'm safe, but having several in a row lets me know that there is a pattern to my thinking and that the pattern has improved. But just as with knowing when to give up your guns, knowing when you can safely take them back is very personal. The best advice I can give is to ask for them back when you've seen a trend. If you're a gun owner who has them in the house for personal protection, know that sometimes having them out of the house is just as important.

You might worry that your support person won't think you're out of the woods yet, even if you think you are. If you and your support person disagree, just know that they're looking out for you. If you've been isolating, they may not have seen your progress. Simply avoid isolating and allow them to see that your suicidal thinking has run its course for the time being.

For the most part, being honest about how you're feeling and what you've been experiencing is the most important piece of asking for your guns. A pivotal piece comes before talking to anyone else. Asking "Am I okay?" is the most important part of the process.

 Means restriction can feel complex and overwhelming, but maintaining open and honest communication and focusing on safety makes the process easier. Going through it has made our relationship stronger and closer. We know that we have someone to rely on who understand us no matter what.

*****

Thomas Wallingford is a Denver-area writer and poet. He is a graduate of the University of Northern Colorado and has been a featured speaker and writer on topics ranging from social justice and mental health to fiction and poetry. Thomas is passionate about understanding the world and the people in it, dedicating his work and free time to science and psychology. Thomas integrates his lived experience with mental health challenges to his work as an author and advocate. His creative work illuminates parts of life from which most people look away, challenging readers to explore the least understood parts of the world and their human experience.

Jess Stohlmann-Rainey, MA, is the Senior Program Director at the Carson J Spencer Foundation. She has spent her career in violence prevention, currently leading innovative programming that elevates the conversation to make suicide prevention a health and safety priority. Jess has presented and trained nationally and internationally about suicide and violence prevention, diversity, and leadership, and is a contributing author to Postvention in Action, a currently unreleased suicide prevention anthology. As a suicide attempt survivor, survivor of loss, and person living with a mental health condition, Jess integrates her lived experience into her work in advocacy, research, training, and program development.