Patrick Drossel: My Journey to Find Meaning After Loss

by Emily Alvarez and Patrick Drossel

Stories of lived experience can be used to fight the stigma of mental illness and suicide and to help get people involved in the movement. These journeys humanize the suicide prevention movement and help other people seek help. This series on lived experience is a great chance to highlight a loss survivor's story and the search for meaning after a loss.

Patrick Drossel is a high school friend of a staff member at the Carson J Spencer Foundation. He lost his uncle three years ago and has been making meaning out of the loss ever since. The anniversary of his uncle's passing happened recently, and we wanted to share Patrick's story of finding meaning through loss.

Deven D. Drossel, BM3, US Navy

This is his story:

On April 19, 2013, I lost my uncle Deven to suicide. I did not really know my uncle that well, but everyone says that they miss his laugh. I grew up in California while he lived in Maine. I saw him a few times when I was in elementary school for his wedding, the birth of my first cousin, and my aunt's wedding. During one of his visits he brought me to my first Major League Baseball game. I can remember the game so vividly; the Boston Red Sox versus the Anaheim Angels. I remember that game the Red Sox won, and my uncle was thrilled. At that very moment I became a Red Sox fan.

It had been nearly a decade since I had seen him, but the summer of 2012 he came to California with my two cousins. This was the first time as an adult that I was able to see my uncle. I remember right off the bat when I saw him he said he wanted to have a beer with me and catch up, because he wouldn't know when the next time would be. It didn't matter that he had just gotten off a six hour plane ride, an hour in Los Angeles traffic, and was nearly 2:00 am his time, he wanted to talk with me. During this time, I connected with my uncle. We would stay up late to go swimming, cook, hanging out in the hot tub, and even toss a baseball around. But most importantly he told me stories that I have never heard before about my family. After that week and a half together, I felt as close as I have ever been to my uncle.

As I went back to college, I began to become busy, and my uncle would sporadically message me on Facebook to see how I was doing. Around this time, he had also enrolled in community college courses, so he would be able to get a college degree. On several occasions he asked for my help with some of his work and I was able to set aside some time from my chaotic schedule to help him. As baseball season began to roll around the corner, my friends and I always went to the home games, so I tried my best to keep my uncle up to date on Oregon's baseball team as well as chatting about the Red Sox.

Patrick and his uncle fishing

Friday, April 19, 2013, I was sitting at an Oregon baseball game when I got the call. I was in complete shock at the moment, but I put my emotions asisde and immediately called all of my family members to check on them. When I got home, I sat at my desk and tried  to piece everything together to see if this nightmare was actually happening. At that point, I quickly opened my text book and notes from a previous introduciton course to psychology. I turned to page 639. Major depression. I quickly scanned the section, my notes, and the internet for ways to avoid depressive symptoms. As soon as I had a list, I called my family. 

At this moment, I knew what I had to do. I had to become a psychologist to make sure families will not have to go through what mine had just gone through. 

I remember at that same moment that I wanted to dedicate my BA degree in memory of him. After a month has passed, he was laid to rest, but I was unable to attend his funeral. I finally felt like I was able to grieve, but how? How could I possible grieve and also memorialize my uncle?

Uncle Deven Fishing

With homework and projects piling up, it was difficult to give myself time to grieve. I had a project for my American Sign Language class where I had to sign a song, but interpret the meaning to yourself. I chose To Yesterday by BoyzIIMen. For me, this interpretation was saying goodbye to my unlce, and wishing that I could have been there at his funeral. In one of my counseling psychology classes, I learned about resiliency. From that lesson and reflection, I realized the two main resilient activities that I absolutely loved were baseball and fishing.

As a student, I was able to go to every home baseball game for free. My friends and I tried going to as many home baseball games as possible. The only thing missing from the games was a roaring crowd. Our solution? Vuvuzelas. With time and eventual acceptance from crown management, my friends and I created a cheer group, the University of Oregon Zela Crew. The baseball team probably thought we were just a group of crazy college kids that loved baseball, but for me, this team helped my cope with the loss of my uncle. It also happened that in 2013, the Boston Red Sox, his favorite team, won the World Series.

Patrick in his stole at graduation

As time started to move along, the heart ache began to dissipate. At times it is still difficult to deal with his loss, but the memories we had together will be held close for the rest of my life. He still remains to be my drive. Soon after his death, I became interested in the traumas of war. I knew he was a BM3 in the Navy earlier in his life. I learned that on average of 22 veterans die by suicide every day.

Unfortunately, my uncle happened to be a part of this statistic. This drive of becoming a psychologist soon became a drive to be a psychologust for the US Navy. I want to abolish this statistic, or try my best to put a dent in it.

When I graduated in the summer of 2015 from the University of Oregon, stoles were optional, so I created my own. One side of the stole was yellow for suicide prevention, and the other side was teal for PTSD awareness.

Currently, I am volunteering for a research lab studying war and memory while I apply for Maters and PsyD programs in the fall. I  know my uncle would be proud of my accomplishments and would be delighted that I am doing this with him in mind. He continues to be my drive every day. I have yet to visit his grave, but I don't feel like the time is right for me. I haven't seen my unlce since the summer of 2012, and I want the first time when I drive up to the Riverside National Cemetary to be a special occasion.

Patrick fishing on the third anniversary

I vision myself saluting him in my full dress Naval officer uniform as a psychologist. At that point, I will feel like I have finally made it.

In the meantime, I like to memorialize my uncle by going fishing on the anniversary of his death. No matter how busy I am, I will try to find time to go fishing. To me, fishing is very theraputic. Where like the fishing line, I let go of all my stresses in life and have them flow down the river. This was a time to relax and reflect all the great memories we had shared.

To those who have recently lost a loved one to suicide, do not place the blame on yourself or others. Memorialize the person you love, and celebrat their life. Forget any negatives, embrace the positives and great memories that you have shared together. Hold those memories close to your heart and never let go. To memorialize them, I suggest picking a safe activity that reminds you of them, and do that activity. You can either do it as a group, or pick something that you can do solo to memorialize. It does not matter how big or small the activity is a long as you enjoy it and memorialize the loved one that you have lost. After this experience I am sure to let those that are close to me that that I love them. 

Rest in peace, Uncle Deven, you will continue to be loved and missed.

Deven D. Drossel

BM3 US Navy

September 30, 1694 - April 19, 2013

Gone But Not Forgotten

The effects of a suicide loss are long-lasting and far-reaching. Many survivors look for ways to make meaning out of their loss and celebrate the life of their loved one. There are many wonderful organizations that provide life-saving suicide prevention programming. The Carson J Spencer Foundation elevates the conversation to make suicide prevention a health and safety priority. Through a variety of prevention programs, the Carson J Spencer Foundation is changing the face of suicide loss. Whether you partner with our organization, or another, we encourage you to get involved. Giving a gift, in memory of a loved one lost, can help create the meaning that so many seek. For more information, please visit www.carsonjspencer.org.